#14 Behind Closed Doors: The Power of Story in Developing Empathy and Understanding.

Last year, my wife and I spent a few weeks walking through Italy. Everywhere we went, we saw people walking along laneways or working in their gardens or sitting in cafes and each one had a story of their own. There were mysterious and complex and wonderful stories as well as tragic and painful and sad ones. At least I assumed there were, because no one stopped and shared their story with me.

I watched them as they passed by while we sat sipping coffee at outdoor tables, but it was when we walked on cobble stoned laneways in village after village that something else caught my eye and fed my curiosity even more. It was all the doors in the stone walls of people’s homes. There were small doors, big doors, plain doors, grand doors—and because it was Italy, mostly old doors. They were down every lane and alleyway. Where they led, I had no idea, but what I did know was that there was a story worth telling behind every door.

Unveiling Stories Behind Closed Doors: The Power of Curiosity

I wanted to knock on these doors and meet the families behind them and ask questions. “Did you grow up in this village? Has your family owned this house for generations? What’s the history of your village? What happened during the war? What work do you do? What does a typical day look like? Where do you go on holidays? Do you have friends over for dinner? Is there a garden back there? Has it been a life of joy or struggle or a mix of both?”

Each door held behind it a mysterious array of untold stories and I desperately wanted to find out more. Of course, I didn’t knock and ask all my questions. Language barriers and just the weirdness of a stranger asking to pop in would never allow that. So I simply imagined and took photos instead. I captured photos of doors that were proud, mysterious, neglected, humble and some that appeared as if they hadn’t been opened for a long time. I wondered why they chose that style, shape, size or colour.

Each one fascinated me. I knew if I’d been able to open it and be invited to sit at their kitchen table that it would lead to a deeper conversation about their lives. I had no doubt there would be an eclectic mix of the intriguing, the tragic, the surprising and the confusing.

Everyone has their own door to the world—a design of their own choosing. Different styles, colours, and sizes that represents the way they want the world to see them. What we present to the world is simply a gateway to something deeper and much more complex. Even as I sit writing in a coffee shop here in Adelaide there are people at tables all around me and I know there is much more to each person than what I can see on the surface. Suddenly I want to learn more because I know there are so many tales to tell.

We never really know what's behind the ‘door’ that people choose to present to us. What we see is only a small glimpse of the deeper story that lies behind. That deeper story is sacred and private. Many of us protect it and choose carefully who we share it with.

Most people only open their door to a select few. They invite them into their lives to sit at their kitchen table where they carefully choose what parts they will share. Others have kept their doors locked for a long time and choose to keep their stories to themselves. I imagine it must be lonely behind their door and that there must be real pain or fear that stops them from sharing. We all curate heavily what we share with others. It’s natural to hide the deepest parts. Perhaps we’re afraid we’ll say too much and possibly push people away or cause them to ask even more.

Beyond the Social Media Facade: Finding Authentic Stories

It reminds me of our social media world. This is where people seem to select a ‘door’ to represent to the world. It’s the façade they select so that when people wander past, they see only what they want others to see. Sometimes that façade is nothing like the real story where there's tragedy and pain and confusion and self-doubt. I understand why people do that. But I find it so sad when a brightly coloured door with all the fancy ironwork and beautiful design turns out to be nothing more than the protective barrier to a world of chaos and confusion. I wonder if that person has anyone to sit in it with them.  Or whether they have people who can help them see that their value and worth is not in what others think of them. None of us want to put all our stuff on display, but I’m left to wonder how well this world of façade and curated content is serving us.

I'm fascinated by people—not by their social media profiles, but by the real stories behind their closed doors. I want to sit down and listen to whatever they choose to share. I want to understand what's behind their door and how it might explain why they chose that big brass handle that portrays confidence, or that huge lock that shouts, "Stay away!" I want to ask why they chose bright blue, yellow, or a subdued colour or why their door has been closed for so long.

Unlocking the Human Story: The Impact of Listening

When Jesus wanted to change lives, he told stories. Stories about sheep, fishermen, prostitutes, and soldiers—stories everyone could understand. Like Jesus, we can use stories to connect, to understand, and to change lives. By being curious and listening, we can uncover the rich, complex stories behind a closed door, whether that’s one in an ancient Italian village or in the digital laneways on our screens.

That’s why I podcast. Not to provide a platform for me, but to provide a platform for others to share their stories. I ask the guests to provide a photo and a description but if you take the time you get to sit down and hear their story because they have a story to tell. A story they hope helps you. You’ll quickly discover that behind the photo or description there is something much deeper and worth your time. Come sit for a while and listen. You might be fascinated. You might be inspired. You might shed a tear. Who knows.  

The Transformative Power of Storytelling: Connecting Through Shared Experiences

These are ordinary people who are willing to tell their extraordinary stories. They’re willing to open up their lives to strangers like you. They are like an old lady in a nameless alleyway in a village in Italy who opens her door to a passing stranger and sees they want to know more. My guests invite us in, ask us to sit down and they pour a cup of tea before they open up their lives and share because they want to help others struggling in their own stories. They want to show them there is a way through their pain and confusion. There's a way to live again and find some joy. I hope that the podcast encourages people in pain to realise that what’s going on behind their door is going on behind other doors as well. We’re not alone in our suffering or in our rejoicing and the gift of someone deciding to share their story with us can be very special.

I want to encourage you today to be a curious person.  Someone who does not judge what they see on the outside without really knowing what's going on in the inside. Take the time to sit down and ask about someone’s story and you might be privileged enough to be invited in to sit down at their kitchen table to hear more of what has gone on or is still going on in their lives. This is real connection, this is kindness, this is a gift. And, perhaps this might help you to realise it’s ok to share your story too.

Let’s be storytellers and, at the same time, consider opening up the doors we've built to the world around us. The best place to begin this journey is to start listening to the stories of others. As we do this, and then take the step of opening up our own door, we might be surprised to find there are people willing to journey with us on the road ahead.  

Questions to reflect on:

1. Have you built any form of ‘door’ that you present to the world around you?

2. What does it say about you?

3. Is it accurate?
   

4. Consider what it might feel like to open up and invite a select few in to hear you story. Do you need to begin by listening to them first?  

From Reflection to Action: (These are just suggestions – maybe choose 1 or 2 to try)

1. Make a recording of a family story: Recently, I started to visit my mum who is now in an independent living complex. She is getting older and so I decided to start asking her a series of questions about her life, her childhood, her memories. She comes alive thinking back to her past and I’ve been fascinated to learn so much about my mum that I’d never heard before. What a blessing this time has become. Is this something you might consider doing with people around you?

2. As an extension of this, and rather than wait until it’s too late in life, consider starting a Storytelling Circle. It could be a spot in your garden or chairs around your kitchen table. Invite friends, family, or neighbours to join a regular gathering where each person shares a personal story. This can foster empathy and create deeper connections among the group. Maybe prepare a few questions that help to pry open gently the door in a person’s life. Make sure they are comfortable and encourage a circle of safety and support as people open up.

3. Add curiosity to your journaling practice: Commit to writing down one question each day about someone you know. When you meet them next, use the opportunity to ask and learn more about their experiences.

4. Volunteer in Your Community: To feed your curiosity even more why not connect with local organisations that serve others, such as seniors, immigrants, or refug ees. By volunteering, you'll have the chance to learn about others' stories while making a positive impact in your community.

5. Social Media Authenticity Challenge: Share a genuine, unfiltered story from your life on your social media platforms. Encourage friends to join the challenge and help create a more authentic and empathetic online environment.

6. Tune into Encouraging Podcasts: This is where you get to sit down at ‘kitchen tables’ in the lives of some very courageous people. They willingly open their doors and invite people like you in. Head to the Resilient Souls podcast

Bible verses about listening to others and being interested in them:

1. Proverbs 20:5 (NLT): "Though good advice lies deep within the heart, a person with understanding will draw it out."

2. 1 Peter 3:8 (NIV): “Finally, all of you, be like-minded, be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate and humble."

3. Hebrews 10:24-25 (NIV): “Let us think of ways to motivate one another to acts of love and good works. And let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encourage one another, especially now that the day of his return is drawing near."