#13 ‘At Least': The Least Helpful Phrase for Empathy

Take note: It is crucial to respect individuals' boundaries and personal preferences when offering empathy and support. While the goal is to be there for our loved ones in their time of need, be mindful that they may require solitude or prefer support from others with whom they have a closer connection. Pay attention to their verbal and non-verbal cues, and always ask if they would appreciate your presence or assistance.

A very good friend of mine died suddenly in last week. It was a shock to everyone. He had lived overseas for a number of years and while we stayed in contact, I wasn’t very close to his wife and the kids who had now grown into young adults.

I found myself holding my phone not quite sure of what to text to show my care and concern to them.

Considering what I’ve been learning and sharing through Resilient Souls I knew not to say things like, “If there is anything I can do, just let me know.” They wouldn’t have had the energy to think of what they needed from someone who had not been very close for the last few years, and it puts the burden on them to come up with something. I could have written, “I know how it feels to lose someone you love”, but that’s not exactly true in this situation. I have no idea what they’re feeling or what they’re going through. I have no real ideas what it’s like to be them. I responded in the text, but more thoughtfully and carefully than I may have in the past. I’m not in the circle of support that they would need now, and in the days ahead, but I wanted them to know I cared and was thinking about them and praying for their comfort at such a difficult time.

When Comforting Words Fall Short: Rethinking Our Responses

It got me thinking about the things people say to try to bring comfort in times of loss or tragedy. It’s prompted me to write this blog because, well before the death of my friend, I’d been wanting to share about a very common but often misguided phrase people use. Any time you find yourself about to say anything that starts with the two words ‘At least’ - STOP! Let me explain why. I remember writing about this in my book and then years later hearing my daughter say that she found it so hard that people started sentences with these simple words.

They almost always signal that someone is about to minimise what you’re going through or invalidate the deep emotions you’re experiencing as they try to help you see the silver lining in your situation.

While this phrase if often used with good intent, it’s really important that we allow people to find any silver lining themselves, when the time is right for them and their situation and not when we think they need it.

Let me share some examples of well-intentioned advice that people can give that start with these two very unhelpful words.

• "At least they got to die at home.” Usually said to someone who has just watched someone they deeply love die.

• “At least you know they’re in heaven.” Said to remind someone that their loved one is with God, not being thoughtful that this can be cold comfort for someone who just wants that person to still be here on earth.

• “At least you have a marriage to work on.” Usually said in response to a person in pain sharing that they feel like their marriage is falling apart.

• “At least they didn’t die in pain.” Often said by someone who is trying to comfort you at the loss of someone you care about or to assure you that they’re not suffering anymore.

• At least you know you can get pregnant.” OR “At least you have other children.” Thoughtlessly said to someone who has just experienced a miscarriage.

• “At least you got out alive.” Said to me after our house burnt down and we watched all our treasured possessions and memories go up in smoke.

• “At least she is young and can rebuild her life.” Said about people like my daughter who are widowed at a young age

…. “At least…... ‘you didn't have kids’ ... ‘you got some compensation after the accident’… ‘your cancer didn’t spread’…… etc

Phrases like these doesn’t usually bring any comfort at all but simply minimises the pain, the loss and the emotions that people are usually feeling acutely.

You might read some of these and even remember using one or two yourself in your attempts to ease the pain and bring comfort to someone you care about. If you’re really close to someone then they’re likely to understand what you mean, but I think we need to be very careful about what we say in our often-fumbling attempts to help them in their darkness. I’m learning that we cannot fix people’s pain, we cannot often reduce their distress and many times the best we can do is sit with them as they go through the anguish of loss.

Avoiding Withdrawal: The Importance of Connection in Times of Pain

What we must not do, as we think about a sensitive response, is withdraw for fear of getting it wrong. This has become such a common theme as people have shared their experiences with me. Sometimes close friends have seemingly abandoned people in their pain. It’s not because their friends don’t care, but because they don’t know what to say or do. Wanting to make sure they don’t get it wrong; they end up choosing to say and do nothing. I cannot emphasise the importance of simply turning up to be with your friend if you’re close enough to step into their pain with them.

So, here are some suggestions that I‘ve picked up from guests on the podcast or through my own experiences in life.

When you get serious news, instead of trying to provide a silver lining, you could try to  say something like:

• “I’m devastated to hear what’s happened to you and your family. I can only imagine what you must be going through.” (This doesn’t try to tell them you know what they’re feeling. It validates the fact that you have no idea of what they must be going through but you are aware it is deep and painful.)

• “I’ve just heard the news. I’m coming over to drop off some food and, depending on how you are feeling when I get there, I’d love to spend some time with you and the family.” (This is better than asking if they want you to come over or would they like some dinner etc. Very often people in distress don’t know what they want and you asking them to make decisions just makes it harder for them. They will let you know if they don’t want you to come over or don’t want any food.)

• You can message them with a simple, “There are no words, but I want you to know my heart goes out to you and I will keep walking alongside you now, and in the days ahead.” (This lets them know they are not alone and that there will be people keeping them company in the long road ahead. NB PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not say this and then drop off and find that you get too busy.)

• It might be sudden painful news like an accident or heart attack, but it might also be a longer journey like chronic illness.
  

Regardless, sometimes just dropping by and sitting with the person over a cup of tea without feeling the need to say something.

Sometimes it might be a hug or a hand on the shoulder and nothing else. It tells the person that you see them and there are not words to explain, relive, fix.

Dr Brene Brown says that, “…rarely can a response make something better, what makes something better is connection.” So saying something like, “I don’t even know what to say right now but I’m just so glad you told me.” as you sit with someone you care about might be so much more helpful.

Empathy vs Sympathy: Understanding the Difference

Dr. Brown also talks about the unhelpfulness of ‘At least’ phrases when she discusses the difference between empathy and sympathy. She says, “Empathy fuels connection; sympathy drives disconnection.” Quite practically, she identifies that an empathic response rarely, if ever begins with the phrase “at least…”, which minimizes someone’s feelings. Responses in general don’t make someone feel better, making a connection does. And in order to make a connection, we have to allow ourselves to be authentic and vulnerable, which is uncomfortable and ambitious and challenging. Dr. Brown offers four qualities of empathy:

1.     Perspective taking

2.     Staying out of judgment

3.     Recognition of emotion in others

4.     Communicating that recognition.                

(See the YouTube clip of

her speaking on this here)

Dr Brown goes on to say, “If you come across a colleague who seems down, or is struggling with a life or work-related event, avoid trying to silver-line their problems; instead, connect through shared vulnerability.”

I think she’s onto something here, but I do want to warn against overstating your connection to a person. If there was a trusted personal connection beforehand, then make sure you are there in word and deed as that person goes through their pain. If you were not close beforehand, then be very careful about inserting yourself uninvited into the support role of a person. However, sometimes support can come from more distant connections so just be sensitive and listen to what they want, not what you want.

Building Genuine Connections: Moving Beyond "At Least"

Having empathy is about ‘feeling with people’ and that comes through a trusting, pre-existing relationship and this trust and connection is not usually built in the storm but before the storm comes.

If there is someone in your life that needs your presence and your support, then think carefully about sitting with them in their pain and not trying to fix the situation or minimise by using a statement that starts with, “At least.”

Questions to reflect on:

1. How can we become more aware of our responses to others' distress and avoid minimizing their feelings?

2. In what ways can we develop our empathy skills to better support the people we care about?

3. Consider the ways in which you can cultivate empathy and genuine connection in your everyday interactions, not just when others are going through difficult times. Think about how you can create a culture of empathy in your personal and professional relationships by being open, compassionate, and non-judgmental towards others' emotions and experiences.

From Reflection to Action: (These are just suggestions – maybe choose 1 or 2 to try)

1. Practice really listening when someone shares their pain. This type of listening means focusing on understanding their emotions and experiences without judgment.

2. Offer specific help instead of general statements, e.g. rather than “I’m here if you need me.” or “Let me know if I can help.” – offer to bring a specific meal or run an errand, to provide practical support. In other words, let them know what you can offer them, rather than just asking what they need.

3. Take time to learn more about empathy and its role in building connections through books, podcasts, or workshops.

4. Reflect on your own experiences and emotions, allowing vulnerability to help you better connect with others in their times of need.

5. Tune into Encouraging Podcasts: Help build your resilience with these stories from the Resilient Souls podcast or have a look at Brene Brown’s Unlocking Us podcast to learn more about empathy.

Bible verses on being present with people in pain:

1. Romans 12:15 (NIV):"Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn."

2. Galatians 6:2 (NLT): "Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ."

3. James 1:19 (NLT): "Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, …. ‘ (I deliberately focussed on the first part as this is a really helpful principle.)

4. Job 2:11 (The Message): "Three of Job's friends heard of all the trouble that had fallen on him. Each travelled from their own country—Eliphaz from Teman, Bildad from Shuhah, Zophar from Naamath—and went together to Job to keep him company and comfort him.”

5. Proverbs 20:5 (NIV): "The purposes of a person's heart are deep waters, but one who has insight draws them out."