#13 “At Least”: The Two Least Helpful Words to Show Empathy

Why we say it, how it lands, and better ways to show we care.

NB: This post began as something I wrote last year, but I’ve been reworking some of these articles for Substack, and this one connects directly with the episode posted a few days ago where I did a reflective piece about Season 3. Across all these conversations, a thread kept appearing — wisdom and insights on how to help others when they’re hurting, how to guide others to offer support, and what to avoid saying or doing. This is one of those ‘what to avoid’ topics, and I thought it was worth revisiting.

Our brains are wired to try to make things better. When someone is hurting, we instinctively search for something to say that might encourage them, reassure them, or help them find a silver lining. It’s a natural reflex — but if we’re not careful, it can do the opposite of what we intend. I experienced this reflex myself recently.

A very good friend of mine died suddenly last week. The news was a shock for all of us who knew him. He’d been living overseas for many years, and while we stayed in touch, I wasn’t that close to his wife or the kids who’d now grown into young adults.

I sat with my phone in my hand, staring at the blank message box. How do you let people know you care, especially when you’re not in their closest circle of support? You want to say something meaningful — but everything that comes to mind feels clumsy or hollow.

What I’ve been learning and sharing through Resilient Souls helped me avoid a few default phrases. I didn’t write, “If there’s anything I can do, just let me know” — because people in shock and grief rarely have the energy to think of what they need, let alone ask someone they haven’t been in regular contact with. I also didn’t write, “I know how you feel” — because I didn’t really know their specific context nor what they might have been feeling.

It would have been easy to fall back on something like, “At least you know he’s in heaven” or “At least he got to live such a rich life.” Those might sound comforting, but in the moment, they risk minimising the pain, or trying to solve things too quickly, because we think we can already see the hope or a purpose in their loss. I’ve come to understand just how unhelpful it is to start any attempt to care with the two words “At least…”.

Why “At Least” Rarely Helps ........

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