#10 Finding Gratitude Without Faking It.

Stewart Bogle
Apr 22, 2024
7 min read

Updated: Jun 2

A Shift in Perspective Without Any Toxic Positivity

This week on the podcast, I was reminded of something I learnt a number of years ago. Back then, I was single and feeling deeply lonely, so I went for a walk around the local duck pond. I hoped that getting out into nature might distract me — maybe even bring a bit of peace. But instead, something unexpected happened.

It all started out with good intentions — fresh air, the sound of birds, movement. But it wasn’t long before I found myself walking past couples holding hands, laughing, enjoying the afternoon. Instead of calming my thoughts, it felt like a kick in the guts. My mind started spinning. Without knowing a single thing about these strangers, I began filling in the blanks with stories: They’re so happy. Their lives are perfect. No pain, no loss, no loneliness.

If you’ve ever walked the road of loss and grief, whether that’s a death, a breakup, or a long stretch of singleness — you’ll know this feeling. The ache of loneliness is real, and it’s often amplified by what we assume others have. These assumptions — these mental stories — grow quickly. They feed off comparisons, and they deepen our pain.

Navigating the 'Grass is Greener' Mindset

It’s not just couples. I’ve caught myself doing this when a solo jogger runs by — probably happily married and just taking a break from the kids. Or when I see families at the beach or friends out laughing together, I suddenly feel like I’m missing out — like I don’t have anyone to do life with. Our minds can so easily project picture-perfect lives onto others while picking apart our own.

We can do this even more on social media. Carefully curated images. Captions crafted to inspire. But we don’t know the full story — not really. Sometimes the smiles hide loneliness. Sometimes the laughter masks pain. Yet we’re so often tempted to compare our lives with their highlight reels and we come away feeling empty.

"Comparison is the thief of joy." Theodore Roosevelt

That day by the pond, my simple walk to ‘de-stress’ and get out was beginning to feel like a blood sport. Instead of feeling refreshed, I was emotionally bruised and starting to unravel. I could feel myself spiralling.

Gratitude Isn’t Toxic Positivity

I decided to try something different in the middle of my walk because letting these stories run wild — and comparing myself to others — was only adding to an already deep sense of loneliness. I knew I needed a shift in the way I was seeing things around me, and even the way I was seeing my own life. I needed a change in perspective, so I took a deep breath and tried to shift my perspective — to notice just one or two things I could be grateful for. Here’s the thing: I wasn’t trying to pretend I wasn’t lonely. I wasn’t trying to slap on a smile and ‘think happy thoughts.’ That’s not what gratitude is — and it’s certainly not what I needed in that moment. Gratitude, as I’ve come to understand, is more of a micro-moment. A glimmer. A subtle shift in perspective, not a denial of the pain.

Midway through my walk, I paused and tried to observe what was happening around me. I noticed a number of kangaroos across the road just quietly munching on grass. To be completely honest, at first I had to resist the thought that even the kangaroos were not on their own 🤣.

But I caught myself — and instead, I chose to be thankful that they were there. Alive and well. After recent devastating bushfires so much wildlife had been wiped out, but, here they were, just metres away.

“It’s a funny thing about life, once you begin to take note of the things you are grateful for, you begin to lose sight of the things that you lack.” Germany Kent

That small shift created space for a little more noticing. I heard birds. I smiled at strangers. I stopped telling stories and just let people walk by. Maybe they were walking through grief too. Maybe they weren’t. Either way, I didn’t need to fill in the gaps.

Finding Hope in the Smallest Shift

The sun was beginning to set as I left the park. I could feel something change — not everything, but something. My body was more relaxed. My mind less cluttered. I wasn’t ‘fixed,’ and I certainly wasn’t flooded with joy, but there was a calmness I hadn’t felt at the start of my walk.

It wasn’t a magical transformation. My situation hadn’t changed. I was still single. Still lonely. Still aching. But I’d let go of the stories that were making the ache worse — and instead, I focussed on what was right in front of me.

I’m learning that we can hold both things at once: grief and gratitude, loneliness and beauty, pain and perspective. In the conversation I had with psychologist Ashley Mielke on this week’s podcast she reminded me that gratitude is not toxic positivity. It is finding small glimmers of hope in our lives — moments that aren’t cures, but simply signs of light.

Finding something to be grateful for, no matter how small, doesn’t erase what hurts, but it opens the window to something more hopeful.

SIDENOTE

🎧 💡 You can listen to more on this topic from Ashley Mielke in a two part episode on the Resilient Souls podcast where Ashley and I talk about grief, glimmers of hope, and the real work of sitting with hard feelings. Check them out here - part 1, part 2

A Gentle Word to Parents and Teachers

If you're a parent or teacher reading this, I want to encourage you. The young people in your life are watching. They’re noticing how we navigate pain, what we say about loneliness, and how we respond when life feels unfair.

We don’t have to model perfection. What we can model is honesty — and hope. That it’s okay to feel the pain. It’s okay to cry. And it’s also okay to look for the small things that are still good. That gratitude isn’t pretending. It’s reaching for something true — even in the shadows.

One Small Step

This week, take a walk. Let your thoughts come, but notice what else is around you. The sky. The trees. A dog wagging its tail in a front yard. The sound of birds in the trees. You don’t have to force anything. Just begin by noticing. And if a glimmer of hope or a different perspective comes, give thanks for it. It might not change everything — but it might change something.

Questions to Reflect on.

When you find yourself comparing your life to others — whether in public or online — what helps you come back to what is real and good in your own story?
How might you gently help the children or students in your life notice glimmers of hope, without pretending that pain or sadness don’t exist?

From Reflection to Action: (These are just suggestions – maybe choose 1 or 2 to try)

Name the Story You're Telling Yourself: When comparison kicks in, take a pause and ask, “What story am I telling myself about this person or moment?” Be curious about the narrative your mind is creating — and whether it's helping or hurting.
Take a ‘Noticing’ Walk: Go for a walk with no agenda other than noticing. Pay attention to colours, sounds, smells. Let yourself take in what’s around you — not in search of joy, but in simple awareness. Sometimes, joy finds us when we’re simply paying attention.
Start working Gratitude into your Journal: Write down a couple of small things you noticed today — something that made you smile, something you hadn’t paid attention to before, or just a quiet moment that helped you catch your breath. Not because life feels perfect, but to train your heart to see what is still good even when other things feel hard.
Limit Social Media Use: If social media fuels jealousy or loneliness, try setting small boundaries: unfollow a few accounts, mute stories for a bit, or designate screen-free hours. Replace that time with a walk, journaling, or something that fills your tank.
Practice a One-Line Prayer: In a quiet moment, pray something simple: “God, help me see what’s still good.” You don’t need many words — just a willingness to turn toward Him in the middle of your ache.
Hand Over Racing Thoughts: When your thoughts spiral, remember 2 Corinthians 10:5 — “...we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” Pause. Breathe. Hand it over. You’re not alone in your thoughts — God is right there.
Tune into Encouraging Podcasts: Build your resilience with stories from the Resilient Souls podcast. Ashley Mielke’s two-part episode ( #28 & #29) dives into grief, glimmers of hope, and the real work of holding space for both pain and gratitude might be a great place to start.

Bible verses That Help Reframe Your Thoughts and Refocus Your Heart:

Isaiah 41:10: (The Message): "Don’t panic. I’m with you. There’s no need to fear for I’m your God. I’ll give you strength. I’ll help you. I’ll hold you steady, keep a firm grip on you."
Psalm 34:18 (CEV): "The Lord is there to rescue all who are discouraged and have given up hope."
Matthew 11:28 (NLT): "Then Jesus said, 'Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.'"
Colossians 3:2 (NIV): "Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things."
Philippians 4:8 (NLT): "And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise."
Psalm 121:1–2 (NIV): “I lift up my eyes to the mountains—where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.”