#12 When Dreams get Buried: Navigating Grief, Loss, and Living with Hope

Stewart Bogle
May 6, 2024
6 min read

Updated: May 20, 2024

Take note: The reflections in this blog touch on themes of death, grief, loss, and the uncertainties of life. For those in the midst of grief, the idea of dreams and hopes might feel distant. While this reflection may cause some discomfort, it’s not meant to be insensitive, but to inspire you that, when the time is right, to dream again—even though that dream may look very different than you thought it might.

I was at the end of the bed as my daughter sat close to her husband bringing any comfort she could in this difficult time. Things had turned suddenly in his fight with cancer and with little warning my son-in-law was battling to hold onto life. It didn’t seem right. A strapping young man who'd looked after himself so well.

There'd been so much ahead of him and so much time to make the most out of life. He’d married my daughter almost 18 months before in an intimate little ceremony. It was all that COVID allowed at the time. A year later they gathered again for a public celebration with their friends and families, but by then the storm clouds had formed and thunder was rumbling loudly.

Only a few days after sitting by his bed hoping for a last-minute miracle, we were in shock. He’d died and we’d all gone through the most traumatic experience you could imagine. We cried, we comforted each other, we gave thanks for the life of this special young man. I say young, because he'd not yet turned 30. He’d been building a career in the Navy and had so many plans of where this would lead him. After years of juggling work commitments and doing the long-distance relationship thing, he and his high school sweetheart had just got married and were looking ahead at all the adventures they’d enjoy together.

Circumstances meant they’d only been married for a short time, but this had never mattered. Youth was on their side, and they had all the hopes of what the rest of their lives would bring. They talked of travelling and buying a house and having kids and maybe even setting up a property where they would help people going through hard times. They’d already packed a lot of adventure into their young lives, but this was only the beginning. They’d developed a taste for adventure and loved to camp and four-wheel drive and get off the beaten track. They had a bright future planned. There was so much to look forward to—so many dreams to fulfil. No need to rush, there was plenty of time.

Carpe Diem—The art of seizing the day!

A week or so later after his death, we buried him. We celebrated his life, but we also buried him and his dreams of the future. We said goodbye—not just to him but the possibilities in him. It was tragic. It broke my heart. There were many hearts broken that day. His death was also a reminder to all of us. It was a reminder that nothing is certain, and no one has any idea of what tomorrow might bring. It made me think of making the most of today and not just looking ahead to tomorrow.

Remember the movie, Dead Poet’s Society? There was a scene in that movie where the teacher, trying to inspire the young students in his class, spoke to them about a Latin term “Carpe Diem”—it meant ‘Seize the Day’.

I think there is a lot we can learn from that because we never know when the day we are living will be our last.

“Carpe diem! Rejoice while you are alive; enjoy the day; live life to the fullest; make the most of what you have. It is later than you think.” Horace

Someone once said to me that it’s good to have plans but to make sure you write them in pencil because things change. Things changed for my son-in-law. His dreams were not just written in pencil, but they’d been rubbed out completely. Things changed for my daughter. With his death, many of her dreams were buried too.

Finding Resilience and Inspiration

We need to seize the opportunities we have while we still have time. We need to not waste the opportunity to do now what we might not get to do then. So many people don’t die young, but still bury their dreams because they are either too scared to try to fulfil them or they allow other things in life to distract them until a time comes when regrets have replaced dreams. That’s when we know we’ve grown old—when our regrets outnumber our dreams.

Embracing Uncertainty with Courage

My son-in-law never got the chance to fulfil all his dreams. At his funeral we celebrated a life well lived. I’m sure this caused many people present to reflect on the life they were living. I know I did. He left us a silent challenge as we said our goodbyes. It was the reality that none of us know what tomorrow will bring so we should make the most out of today. He had plans that would never be fulfilled and yet, despite the battle he was fighting in those last few months, he was brave and kept chasing his dreams. I wonder how many of us came away from his funeral asking ourselves if we would dare to dream, and have the courage to act on those dreams, while we still had the chance.

May you build dreams worth having and lives worth living. Don't wait for tomorrow. Seize the Day!

“Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has not yet come. We have only today. Let us begin.” Mother Teresa

From Reflection to Action: (These are just suggestions – maybe choose 1 or 2 to try)

A question to ponder: What would seizing the day look like for you? Take some time to reflect on this and see if there are things that might need to change for you to start to make the most of the life you have been given.
God given dreams: Dreams are great but the most important ones we will ever have are the God given ones—where he places something in our hearts that he wants to do through us to help others. Ask God to place a dream in your heart if there’s not one there already.
Write your own Eulogy: Sometimes we wait until the death of someone before we stop and think about the life they have lived or the impact they have had. Spend some time thinking through what people might say about you at your funeral. Does this align with what you would want them to say? If not, consider what you might need to change. A good way to do this is to write your own eulogy and then look at what steps you might need to start taking now to make those aspirations turn into reality.
Something to Read: Have a look at the book ‘Hero on a Mission: A Path to a Meaningful Life’ by Donald Miller. Part of the summary is ‘Hero on a Mission will guide you in developing a unique plan that will speak to the challenges you currently face so you can find the fulfilment you have been searching for in your life and work.’ I found it really helpful to start to look at how I was living life and consider the suggestions to make changes.
Reminder: When someone you love dies and you feel like their life had been cut short remember that no life is shorter than God knew it would be. Read Psalm 139:16 "He knows the days of everyone’s lives before they are even formed in their mother’s womb." Nothing is a surprise to God even though it can be very sad and painful for us.
If you are experiencing grief through the loss of a loved one

a. Try to do some processing of your grief in a Journal: Writing down thoughts and emotions can be helpful—this can provide an outlet for you to express your feelings and do some reflecting

b. Search for a Support Group or seek Professional Help: Consider looking for a grief support group in your area or online (this may not be easy but it can be really worthwhile) or seek professional counselling to support you. Connecting with others who have experienced similar loss or professionals trained to help can offer valuable support.

Tune into Encouraging Podcasts: Listen to the stories of others who have navigated storms in their lives on the Resilient Souls podcast. I’d especially encourage you to listen to a conversation with the young woman spoken about in this post. [Ashley's story]

Bible verses about Grief, God's Comfort and the Future:

Psalm 34:18 (NIV): "The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."
Psalm 147:3 (NLT): "He heals the broken-hearted and bandages their wounds."
James 4:13-15 (NLT): "Look here, you who say, 'Today or tomorrow we are going to a certain town and will stay there a year. We will do business there and make a profit.' How do you know what your life will be like tomorrow? Your life is like the morning fog—it’s here a little while, then it’s gone. What you ought to say is, 'If the Lord wants us to, we will live and do this or that.'"
Isaiah 41:10 (NIV): "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
2 Corinthians 1:3-4 (NLT): "All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others."