WHAT — Carrying responsibility when the storm affects you too

When something serious happens within an organisation or community, people often look to leaders for cues about what happens next.

That may be a principal, manager, pastor, team leader, wellbeing lead or another person carrying particular responsibility.

People watch how they respond.

Is someone taking responsibility?
Is communication clear?
Is the person or family being treated with care?
Can difficult emotions be acknowledged without everything becoming chaotic?
Does someone seem steady enough to help the community find its footing?

Leadership in these moments isn’t mainly about having the right words or knowing how to fix what has happened.

It’s about helping create enough clarity, care and steadiness for people to respond well together.

But leaders don’t stand outside the storm.

They may know the person deeply. They may be grieving themselves. They may be shocked by what has happened, worried about others, uncertain about the right decision and aware that many people are looking to them at the same time.

That can create a difficult tension.

A leader may need to provide reassurance while feeling anything but reassured themselves. They may need to make decisions while their own thinking is affected. They may feel responsible for everyone else and reluctant to admit when the weight is becoming too much.

Carrying responsibility doesn’t make someone immune to what has happened.

Safe and skilled communities recognise both sides of leadership: there are moments when a leader’s presence, judgement and care matter enormously, and those leaders also need people around them who can share responsibility, offer perspective and support them when they’re carrying the storm too.

WHY — Leadership sets the tone, even when leaders are hurting too

When leadership is unclear, absent or reactive, uncertainty can spread.

People may not know what they should do, information can move in unhelpful ways, support can become fragmented, and the person or family at the centre may feel less secure about how things are being handled.

Thoughtful leadership can have the opposite effect.

Clear communication, calm decisions and genuine care help people know where they stand, what matters and how they can contribute.

But there’s another reason this matters.

Leaders themselves can be carrying far more than others realise.

Mike Potter (Episode #39) described leading through multiple deaths, illness and enormous organisational pressure while feeling the expectation that he still needed to function for everyone else. As he put it, “If we look like we’re not okay, then what hope is there for everybody else?”

That pressure can make leaders reluctant to admit they’re struggling, ask for help or step back from decisions when they need perspective.

And when everyone assumes the leader is coping, nobody may think to support the person carrying much of the responsibility.

Safe and skilled communities don’t require leaders to be unshakeable.

They recognise that good leadership in a storm depends not only on what a leader carries, but on who is helping them carry it.

HOW — Lead with presence, share responsibility and accept support

5.1 Know When Your Presence Matters

Good leadership doesn’t mean personally handling every part of the response.

But there are moments when delegating everything can unintentionally communicate distance.

A leader’s presence can carry particular weight after devastating news, during an important meeting, when someone returns to work or community life, or when people are frightened and uncertain about what happens next.

Erik Ellefsen (Episode #41) reflected on this from his own experience of serious illness. He received care from many people but still felt there were moments when the presence of the senior leader themselves mattered.

As he put it, “they need you too.”

Leaders don’t always need the right words.

Sometimes showing up communicates that the person matters and that they haven’t been left to face the storm alone.

TRY THISAsk: “Is there a moment in this situation where my personal presence would mean more than another message, process or delegated response?”

“I need my pastor right now. I need my principal to show up and sit with me.”— Erik Ellefsen (Episode #41)

5.2 Share Responsibility Around Different Strengths

Strong leadership in a difficult season doesn’t mean one leader becoming the centre of every decision, conversation and practical need.

Look around the team and deliberately share responsibility according to people’s roles and strengths. One person may communicate clearly. Another may be particularly good at pastoral care. Someone else may coordinate practical support, protect important details or keep an eye on people who might otherwise be missed.

Shirli Congoo (Episode #16) describes something powerful from her own cultural experience of grief: when death occurs, people understand that they have different responsibilities. Some care for children, others organise hospitality, transport, accommodation or other practical needs, allowing those closest to the loss more space to grieve.

The setting may be different, but the principle travels well: care is stronger when responsibility is shared rather than concentrated.

A leader still needs to know what they remain responsible for. But they shouldn’t have to personally carry every part of the response.

TRY THISAs a leadership or support team, ask: “Who is best placed to carry each part of this, and what can we deliberately take off one another’s shoulders?”

5.3 Make Sure Leaders Have People They Can Lean On

Leaders who spend their time supporting others also need somewhere they can be honest, receive perspective and admit when the weight is becoming too much.

That support shouldn’t depend on the leader eventually reaching breaking point and asking for it.

Build it around them deliberately.

That might mean a trusted peer, mentor, supervisor, senior colleague, board member or small group who can check in, listen, help think through difficult decisions and notice when the leader may need to step back.

Sono Leone (Episode #5) who leads Strong Women Talking and also pastors in her community, has spoken about the strength she has drawn from a close sisterhood, elders and trusted community around her.

Her reflection is important: she hasn’t carried her journey alone.

The people expected to hold others shouldn’t be left without somewhere to be held themselves.

TRY THISDecide who will check in on the people carrying the most responsibility, and make sure those conversations happen before the pressure becomes too much.

5.4 Don’t Make Heavy Decisions Alone When You’re Deeply Affected

Leaders sometimes have to make important decisions while they’re shocked, grieving or personally connected to what has happened.

That’s exactly when another perspective matters.

If a decision is significant, emotionally charged or difficult to reverse, bring someone trusted into the thinking. Ask them to help separate what is urgent from what can wait, identify what you may be missing, and test whether the proposed response is fair and proportionate.

Rick Bundschuh (Episode #10) reflected that during a season of deep personal hurt and loneliness, the pain he was carrying affected his judgement and some of the decisions he made. Years of leadership experience didn’t make him immune to the effect pain was having on his judgement.

His experience is a useful reminder that pain can narrow a person’s perspective, even in those who are normally experienced, thoughtful decision-makers.

That’s one reason significant decisions are often better made with someone else in the room.

Where possible, give leaders permission to say, “I’m too close to this to make this decision on my own.”

That isn’t weak leadership. It can be very wise leadership.

TRY THISWhen a leader is deeply affected, bring one trusted person into any significant decision and ask: “Are we clear enough to decide this now, or do we need another perspective?”

Leadership in a storm is not about being unshakeable.

It’s about knowing when your presence carries particular weight, sharing responsibility wisely and making important decisions with other people around you.

Leaders are better able to carry responsibility when they’re supported too.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Building a safe and skilled community isn’t about getting every response right.

There will be situations no one expected. People will sometimes hesitate, misread what’s needed or make decisions they later wish they had handled differently. Even thoughtful plans won’t cover every circumstance.

That doesn’t mean preparation, care or good leadership have failed.

Healthy organisations and communities can reflect, apologise when needed, learn from what happened and adjust the way they respond next time.

What matters is what your organisation or community is learning and putting in place over time.

Do people feel safer to be honest?

Are people learning to notice, listen and act?

Do they know their role and where to find more help?

Are there enough simple pathways in place that everything doesn’t have to be invented in the middle of a crisis?

And are the people carrying responsibility supported too?

A safe and skilled community isn’t one that always knows exactly what to do.

It’s one that keeps learning how to respond with greater care, wisdom and thoughtfulness when people need it most.

WHAT MATTERS MOST — A few things to carry with you

If you remember nothing else, come back to these:

Keep the person at the centre. Shape communication and support around what helps them, not around other people’s need for information or involvement.
Make help genuinely useful. Offer specific, coordinated support that takes something off their plate rather than giving them more to manage.
Protect honesty, privacy and dignity. People are more likely to speak when they trust how they’ll be treated and how carefully their story will be handled.
Notice what may be happening beneath the surface. Don’t assume that functioning means someone is okay. Notice changes, check in, listen carefully and follow up when something concerns you.
Share the weight and stay for the longer journey. Spread responsibility across people, and don’t let support disappear when the first wave of attention passes.
Know your role and your limits. Ordinary human care matters enormously, but sometimes more skill or support is needed. Help people reach it without making referral feel like abandonment.
Prepare before you’re under pressure. Clear roles, trusted people, usable pathways and practised responses can make an enormous difference when something difficult happens.
Support the people carrying responsibility too. Leaders and supporters are affected as well. Make sure they have people around them and don’t have to carry every decision or responsibility alone.

None of this requires a perfect system or a perfect response.

Safe and skilled communities are built through repeated choices to notice, listen, organise, protect, share responsibility and keep learning how to care well.

Building Safe and Skilled Communities

Organise Support Around the Person

Turn Good Intentions into Useful Help

Build a Circle of Care for the Longer Journey

Respond to the Wider Ripple

Build a Culture Where People Can Be Honest

Notice, Listen and Act

Know Your Role and When More Help Is Needed

Prepare Before the Storm Arrives

Help Leaders Carry Responsibility Well